- The evidence keeps
mounting that working moms need help, but nobody wants to listen.
I read an article on Facebook
this morning on the page of my sorority sister, Lisa Meyer’s Johnson who
publishes the blog, “
Listen Little Girl”.
The article got me thinking. So, I thought I’d share my thoughts and a link to
the article. Enjoy!
Corporate America and Home Responsibilities Do Not Benefit
Working Moms
Corporate America was designed for the childless, for men with FT wives or for the wealthy who can afford Full Time help. Corporate America wasn't designed for people in partnership marriages or those who have primary care giving responsibilities. And it wasn’t designed for those who are on a budget who must pick their kids up from daycare by 6:00 PM or pay a $20.00 fine every five minutes they’re late.
Essentially, working moms are
required to please their corporations and their families in the face of two
systems that believe each job is their sole responsibility.
1. Corporate Policies do not support families
The existing policies at most
companies aren't designed to help moms succeed in both areas. Because of that,
the pressure—mostly on moms—is extreme. Many organizations, including the one
where I work, function at warped speed. Crises erupt and all hands are needed
on deck. These crises have no respect for time of day or day of the week.
Because of that, our organization stays in constant crisis response mode even
when it’s not necessary. The possibility of crisis gives excuses to those who
prefer not to plan and instead schedule meetings with very little notice, with
very little advanced information, and with no clear purpose. These types of
environments are particularly challenging for working moms who bear the lion share
of the responsibilities at home, even when they are married. And why is that?
2. American Home life presumes there is a stay-at-home mom
I will say the thing that you
shouldn’t say. Many men do not believe that they have the primary
responsibility for raising their kids and keeping the house if they are married
to a woman. Therefor they don’t function that way. The prototype of dad working
and mom staying at home is deeply embedded into their psyche in a way that is
almost undetectable. Still, you can tell by their actions that they lack a
sense of ownership of household duties and childcare duties, which reduces
their role to that of “helper”.
You can hear this even in the
conversations that mothers have with their friends who observe their husband
changing a diaper or cooking. They comment, “he’s such a good help to you!” The
comment is meant as a compliment, but I find the entire concept to be offensive
because it presumes that it is the mother’s job—her divine lot in life—to be
responsible for the entire thing. And everyone knows that being a manager is stressful.
 |
| Working mom enjoying children |
Do women still
need to choose between having a family and having a career? Are we really
headed back to the Donna Reed era? Trends are telling an interesting story.
Indeed, there is something fundamentally
different about believing that you are responsible for something as opposed to
believe that you’re “helping” the person whose job it really is. When you are “helping” you’re like the well-intended
volunteer who shows up to help at the soup kitchen. You feel good about your
contributions, but also know that ultimately, it is someone else’s job. So, you
do what you are asked, don’t think too much about it, and leave at the end of
your shift without a thought about how the organization will function without
you.
When you help, you expect an enthusiastic
thank you for your contributions and potentially some other type of reward as
well.
The Plight of Working
Moms is Complicated by These Competing Pressures
Many working moms faithfully
execute their duties and whether they do so happily or begrudgingly the fact
is, they do the work. They notice the inequity whether she complains about it or
not. Trust and believe, if a woman who works fulltime and has small children is
also performing most essential daily duties inside the home she would prefer a
more equitable arrangement. That’s a fact.
Many working moms resent their
husbands for not doing more to ease their burdens. The husbands in turn resent
their wives for “nagging them” or “complaining”. Instead of recognizing the
problems in their own household, they look externally and conclude that they
are “helping a lot” and doing more than most men. So, their wives should be more
grateful. For many, equity isn’t even a goal. And when equity is a passing
thought they conclude that the efforts of both are indeed “equal” without that
conclusion being based upon any facts or data. Instead, it’s just a feeling
they have based on conversations they’ve had with others. And when they hear of
a husband who contributes more, they make disparaging comments and reduce him
to an outlier and take solace in the fact they are in the middle of the pack of
“manly men” because the ideal of having a "housewife" remains the ideal.
Indeed one writer simply advised men, "Don't Marry Career Women".
Given these deeply held beliefs, I think it is a pointless effort,
and a waste of time and breath, to try to change the minds of men who think
this way. You can’t make anybody change. A more worthwhile effort is to
identify what changes they can make in their lives that will ease their
burdens. I have shared some tips on this blog previously and will continue to
do so. And if your man gains some enlightenment of his own and wants to
contribute more, you can enjoy it without experiencing the stress of fighting
with someone to try to make them change.
The author of the article I read
this morning said that her ugly secret was that she felt like a fraud at home
and at work. I think many women also have another ugly secret, they are mad a
lot. That said, I hope that we use that anger and frustration to help change
policy and mindsets. We can influence Corporate America by writing, expressing
concerns with Human Resources and starting our own companies. We can help
change the inequities in the home by educating our children about what it takes
to manage a home and to train them—our girls and boys—to tackle those realities
in a fair way.
Article That Started it All
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