I’ve been so good lately. I’ve been posting things that
haven’t been controversial or irreverent. I’ve been refraining from using bad
language. In a word, I’ve been very appropriate. Well, I think that the heat wave we got in
Pittsburgh today may have gone to my head because I’m feeling a little punchy!
It was about 45 degrees after all…
I'll blame what I type next on the heat wave and the "baby brain"... As much as I am enjoying being pregnant, I am about sick of all of the dumb things people say to me. I guess I can't blame them though. The belly does have magical powers...
Here are some things that people have said outright or insinuated over the past couple of weeks.
- Did you conceive naturally? This comment is odd because it’s either
a really inappropriate inquiry about my sex life—it could mean did you and
Andre have sex the regular way or did you do something really creative?!
It could also be a really intrusive question about whether we needed to
use Assisted Reproductive Technology to get pregnant because we had
problems conceiving. Either way, to ask a stranger or an acquaintance
about their conception violates more etiquette rules than I can count!
- Wow you're HUGE, but it's just because
you're small! Actually, I am
huge because I have already gained 34 pounds. So, I’m not small anymore. I’m big and I
know it. I also know that my belly
is large to distraction. I’m carrying it around all day and this baby is
pushing up my diaphragm and making me urinate all of the time. I get the interest. I’m curious myself
and amazed by the miracle of life that caused cells to divide so much that
what started as recreation has turned into a life that’s inside of
me. Still, I am vain and being
called “Huge” isn’t on my lists of compliments.
- Are you due in like 5 minutes? This comment is a variation of the above
and serves no purpose. It was last
said by the check out girl at the gas station who was very amused by her
comment. I should have responded by saying, actually I am. Have you been
certified as a paramedic?
- Should I call the ambulance? Please
see #2 and #3. It’s just
another way of saying that I am really big. I promise you, that fact is
not lost on me. So, random guy at
the bowling alley, I don’t really need you to yell this out as I walk past
you minding my own business on the way to the bathroom. Your comment isn’t
funny or witty. Some people might consider it rude. I’m some people…
- Am I going to have to deliver that
baby in this meeting? This
comment relates to the previous 3. Are you sensing a theme? I make people
nervous when I walk into a room, go out to eat, and go to the grocery
store. While I recognize that
delivering a baby is a spontaneous event (I’ve done it before after all),
I also can’t stop my life and lay around waiting to deliver. Laying around
makes you weak. Also, I have too much s—t that I have to do before this
baby drops. That being said, I
promise any of you who are unlucky enough to be around me during the next
five weeks that it is not my goal in life to be in a pool of sweat with my
legs spread eagle pushing my baby out in front of my colleagues. Promise!
- Turn around and let me look at your
butt to see if you're having a boy or a girl. No I am not making this
comment up. It was said by someone who
thought it was funny. Trust me, I
did not think it was funny.
- Are there two in there?! I know people say this because I do
look abnormally large and it might make sense that there are two babies in
my stomach. However, there is only one that apparently eats a lot. As I type this, I think about that woman
who just gave birth to quadruplets and was expecting triplets. God, thank you for blessing her with
that surprise. I promise you, I’ll be overjoyed to get one healthy baby!
- Now you have a perfect shelf for a
drink. This may not actually
qualify as dumb. Perhaps it was offered as a helpful tip?
- Are you pregnant
by the same man? (WTF?!) This comment
was made by an acquaintance in the lobby of a church. I have no idea where
this question might be appropriate or by whom. Given the location, you may have thought
she was trying to save my soul, but seeing how she didn’t seem that
interested in the answer I don’t think that was the case. I was shocked that she asked me that. Even if I were known to be the town slut
(which I don’t believe that I am since Andre and I have been together over
five years) asking me who I’m sleeping with seems way off of the
mark. Perhaps that’s just me
though. I wish that I had come up with
something witty, but instead I just smiled and said, “Yes, I think I’ll
keep him.”
- Two kids? You're brave. This one is made out of admiration, but assumes too much. I’m actually not all that brave. It’s just that sometimes I drink too much and find Andre really hot. That combination and not bravery is why I have another bun in the oven. I also wanted my daughter to have the experience of having siblings because they have been my greatest blessing.
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| What I am looking like these days... |
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