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| Mom with Baby during his first year |
Facebook Question: How do I manage? I work full time in a demanding job. I have awesome baby a toddler and my husband isn't motivated to consistently care for the children or do housework so the bulk of the tasks fall on me. He does certain things like take out the trash when I ask him, but I resent having to ask him. I am constantly exhausted. I am at the end of my rope and am starting to hate my husband and think I want to leave him.
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| THE cutest baby EVER!!! |
My Facebook Response:
It does get easier. The first year back to work with
multiple kids is really hard.
Hire Help: If you can afford it, see if you can find someone
to help you. You'd be surprised at how much even just 8 hours of help would do to lighten your load. You could
get someone to come three days a week to help with after work time. That help
will pay you back in spades. You'll also get more rest.
Plan Your Meals: After having my first kid, my aunt told me to plan my meals. She was doing it in the seventies before meal planning was even a thing! She understood that she wanted to spend time with her children and husband. And if you're always doing things you just can't. Try making a whole
chicken, pot of rice, veggies and pasta sauce on Sunday night. It can help you
eat all week.
Get Grocery Delivery: See if groceries can be delivered in your area. that will save
you time and sanity.
Develop a Laundry Strategy: Divide your laundry by person. That way sorting
is minimal when you put it away. Put a load in when you get up in the AM. Put a
load in the dryer when you get home. Put that laundry away in the AM when you
get up. Stop doing hubby's laundry if you're doing it. Personal laundry is a
personal chore. Also, since you feel like he's not being helpful, you'll feel
better once you stop feeling like his maid.
Shower at Night: Try to find a way to shower at night so that you can save that time in the mornings. Also, showering at night is a good way to get outside germs off of you so that they don't make their way into your bed. If you can, plan your shower after you bathe the kiddos and put them to bed and follow it with a glass of wine. The ritual of the wine will likely help you unwind. If you don't drink, try herbal tea.
Marital Advice: I'm intentionally not addressing the "should I leave my husband issue ". Everybody's marriage is a mystery and I am not a marriage counselor. To make you feel better though, I once read, "If you're not ready to get divorced the first year after you have a baby you're doing something wrong!" I know that might not make you feel better, but nearly every mom I know has felt that way the first year. And those who don't have the good fortune of having husbands who intuitively appreciate the need to have true equity in their homes or make a lot of money so she can afford to hire lots of help. It doesn't sound like you have either, so you are just like the rest of us! The good news is, your husband's cooperation isn't required for your life to improve. Creating a system that takes some tension out of your workweeks will go a long way to help you get more rest and feel less stressed.
Engaging Your Husband: That said, if you are committed to trying to get your husband to do more, you may have to employ some Jedi mind tricks. try making a list of discreet tasks you'd like for him to do that he has done in the past. You mentioned that he takes out the trash. Although that's once a week, it's something you don't have to worry about. Save the list on your phone under his number. Look at it once a week so that you can ask him to do those things. It won't make up for the mental load, but it will save you some time.
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