How My Second Child Taught Me to Love With My Whole Heart

A new born 

Raising children uses every bit of your being - your heart, your time, your patience, your foresight, your intuition to protect them, and you have to use all of this while trying to figure out how to discipline them.    -Nicole Ari Parker

For a long time, I doubted that I would become a mother. I doubted it because of lack of desire and because becoming a mother was not the vision I had for my life. I saw children as a burden that I didn’t believe I could undertake without failing. I also lacked appreciation for how children can expand your world and help you discover your own potential.

My little competitor at Strider Races

So, imagine my surprise when I discovered I was pregnant with my daughter nine years ago! That pregnancy went well and seemed short because I didn’t find out that I was pregnant until I had nearly completed my first trimester.

My Second Child Taught Me to Love With My Whole Heart

At the Pittsburgh Zoo

This post isn't about her though. It is about my second child. My second pregnancy was different. I desperately wanted a second child because I wanted my daughter to have a sibling. My siblings and I have a wonderful connection and I wanted her to have someone with whom to share the journey. I was incredibly disappointed, and shocked, when I miscarried by second pregnancy. The first time had been so easy that I was not at all prepared to lose the second baby.  

Still, I kept believing.

When I got pregnant the third time I was cautiously optimistic, but also completely engaged. The pregnancy seemed long and more challenging emotionally. Since I had miscarried previously, I was reluctant to get “too attached”.

However, I learned that you can only control your emotions so much. Each day, I fell more in love with the baby I was carrying. Each day he expanded my heart. And on the day that he was born he and I went on a miraculously journey to bring him into the world. Since I do drug-free deliveries, I felt the full impact of each contraction and was aware that he was coming. And when he was ready, they broke my water and he came out in two pushes!

I thought to myself, if being his mom is as easy as this delivery, I am here for it! 

Then, things got scary. 

My big boy

The day before we were scheduled to leave the hospital, he had to go to the neonatal ICU for an eye infection. The etiology of it was uncertain. He was hooked up to monitors and pumps. He underwent tests. Those were the scariest days of my life. And although my husband was there, I am sure most mothers can relate to this, I felt like it was only me, my faith and my baby. (For more information about that, click here.)  

Enjoying an ice cream

There were so many questions during that time. Nobody knew how it was going to turn out. Words like, "aggressive infection", "we need to identify the bacteria", and "the specialist only rounds on X days" were used. I work in healthcare and understood the lingo. And still, I was terrified. In private, I cried many tears and I said many prayers. And yet, I tried to appear strong because I was afraid that if I crumbled I would never be able to compose myself.  

I loved him so completely. I would have given anything to make him well. And then, God answered my prayers and it was over. They isolated the infection, identified the bacteria, and the specialist made a special trip on an "off day" and he was discharged. 

This year after winning prizes in a raffle

When he was discharged, I was OVERJOYED and I exhaled. Ironically, I was less afraid when I took him home than I had been with my daughter. One reason was that I was experienced. However, the other reason was that his time in the NICU allowed them to monitor him for a week. I knew that his saturations and cardiac function were strong. I knew that his input and output was consistent with age. In a word, I knew that he was a normal functioning baby and the one concern they had had been addressed. 

HALLELUJAH!!!

Since discharge day I have marveled at his toughness and tenacity. He is a little boy to be reckoned with. He has a brilliant smile, infectious laugh, and keen intellect. He also has a way of reading me and wrapping me around his finger. He's also already earned his first paycheck! Of course, he’s not perfect. Still, he is utterly amazing. 

He turned five years old a week ago. I can hardly believe that for five years I have had the privilege of being his mother. And I cannot wait to see what comes next!   

Happy birthday, buddy!!!