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| @nemacolin |
Years ago, there was a popular song called, "Up Where We Belong". The words are carved into my DNA because I liked the song so much that I sang it at my friend's wedding. It starts like this, "Who knows what tomorrow brings. In a world where two hearts survive. All I know, is the way I feel. When it's real, I keep it alive..."
As I reflect on this past decade, those words resonate with me. I remember clearly what I was doing on New Year's Eve ten years ago. I was preparing for a party at my home with friends and my boyfriend. The boyfriend was this amazing guy who seemed to be right for me for reasons I could not explain. Indeed, I think I was the only person who bet on us because the relationship made no sense on paper.
The beginning of the decade was full of hope and promise.
That night I remember being full of hope and excitement. President Obama was in the White House. I had been working at my job for five years. I was settled in Pittsburgh. And even though I had a divorce and subsequent three year relationship behind me, I felt like I had learned so much that I had mastered life. How arrogant was I??? I have come to learn that I may have mastered that part of life--the single, childless part, but I didn't know sh*t about what was to come.
I was also very grateful. I had survived a bout of septic pyelonephritis in April of 2009. Anybody who knows anything about septic infections knows that it could have been fatal. I didn't appreciate the severity of the situation while I was going through it. I knew I was sick and in the ICU and had a team of doctors following me. But I didn't know until afterwards that septic infections are often overlooked in otherwise healthy young women and because of that, they often lose their limbs while the doctors are trying to figure out what's wrong with them. Despite sacrificing their limbs, they often still die.
I came to know that after I was discharged and that knowledge shook me to the core. I also wondered, "Why was I spared???"
That situation gave me three things--a profound respect for my brother who took me to the hospital, a better appreciation for my mother who miraculously appeared at the foot of my bed from another state, and a gratitude for the boyfriend who took care of me post discharge even though our relationship was new. And post discharge, the relationship continued to blossom.
So, there I stood that New Year's Eve, overjoyed to be alive and in love. (One of the great things about blogging is that I have been telling my story for years and there is a record of it. For a link to the blog post from the beginning of 2010, click here.)
I became a mom this decade.
How ironic that it was the last New Year's Eve that I spent as a non-mother. In February of 2010, I learned that I was pregnant. It appears that the love was realized in the most literal of ways. And, my life hasn't been the same. Giving birth to my daughter transformed me. I never saw myself as a mom and yet I have come to realize that it is what I was born to do. I have had three children in this decade. So, I went from not seeing myself as a mom to literally going all in. In every fiber of my being, I am a mom.
I had no idea what was coming on that New Year's Eve when I stood there bringing in the new year with my friends, drinking champagne and in love...
As I end the decade this New Year's Eve, things are much different. I am at home, but there is no party. Despite my party spirit, my daily life just couldn't get it together to host yet another event this year. We have hosted at least seven large events at our home since September. So, although it would have been nice to have people over, I just lacked the inclination to do so. Also, our friends who attended the event ten years ago have changed. One couple is divorced, one moved away, one we don't see anymore, and the other has small kids too and we didn't discuss New Year's plans. Ten years ago, I couldn't have imagined not having concrete plans. This year, I am exactly where I wanted to be--at home with my kids and my guy.
So, the boyfriend is now the husband and father of my children. And, I am sure he'd attest that this has been quite a ride. It may not be the ride he envisioned, hoped for or wanted, but it is the one he chose and the one he chooses every day.
The end of this decade is full of hope and promise.
And as I reflect on the last decade, one thing I am certain of is that I don't know what the future holds. Had I written my expectations ten years ago, I would have been wrong. My expectations wouldn't have been nearly as amazing as my reality. And so tonight, as I type this post, chill my champagne and listen to my kids play in the background, I remain grateful and open. I am ready to receive the amazing blessings that are in store. I also know that I have the strength to endure whatever challenges arise. Surviving sepsis and having three kids with drug-free deliveries have taught me that I am stronger than I ever knew. And whatever the next decade brings, I am sure that these lessons shall serve me well.
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