“Success in marriage does not come merely through finding the right mate, but through being the right mate.” ~ Barnett Brickner
Every time I write about this topic some well meaning person asks my husband whether we're having problems. I'll pass on commenting whether I agree with those asking the question because once I decided to live out loud on this blog, I gave everybody an invitation to comment on my life. So, I am here for the scrutiny.
I'll also pass on answering the question itself because in many ways it is besides the point of this post and it also reduces my comments to whining about my own life. When in truth, I desire to amplify a broader issue that really transcends my marriage. That issue is this, "The sh*t ain't fair."
Most Marriages Suffer from Inequity
I wrote a piece a while ago about
women and nagging, which was enormously popular. (If you’d like to read it,
click here.) I discussed the inequity in the division of labor in most
households and how that often leads to women asking their husbands for help.
The requests, demands, desperate pleas are often heard as “nagging”. A lot of
research has been done about how men hate being nagged. In turn, women are
trying to find an alternative because nobody wants to be the cliché of the “nagging
wife”.
Still, the absence of nagging
doesn’t necessarily equal the presence of peace.
At its core “nagging” comes
from a desire on the part of the woman to get their partner to perform more
tasks that are essential to the daily workings of the household. However, there’s
tension if the motivation on the part of the husband to do such tasks isn’t
automatic and yet the tasks need to be done.
I’ve been thinking about this
dilemma and came across a quote from an article by Bridget Shulte’s husband
captures the conflict. "Let's face it," Tom said, "without
thinking much about it, men expect women to do all the stuff with kids and home…”
'How
my husband and I finally achieved equality at home' by Bridget Schulte.
I applaud his
honesty and it resonates with me as truth. It is also consistent with the reality
that is playing out in most homes. Men are resentful about being nagged because
at the core, they do not believe those tasks are in their job descriptions. Those tasks belong to someone else. And, that "someone else" is their wives or women in their lives.
That belief manifests itself in several ways. However, the main one I'd like to highlight is the inherent conflict that is created by that paradigm. If someone at your job was constantly asking you to do his/her work you would grow to resent it no matter how nice they were in doing so. You would be justified because you would be able to pull out your job description and note that his/her job was absent from your list of duties.
Because marriage roles don't come with written rules, spouses are left to define their duties based on their own experiences. In this country, the "traditional" model involves the the wife doing the lion share of the household duties. The problem is that doesn't work in today's world where most homes have two bread winners and yet it persists.
In the Absence of Nagging, There Is Likely "Silent Rage"
Because marriage roles don't come with written rules, spouses are left to define their duties based on their own experiences. In this country, the "traditional" model involves the the wife doing the lion share of the household duties. The problem is that doesn't work in today's world where most homes have two bread winners and yet it persists.
And, let's be real for a second. No model ever envisioned involved the primary breadwinner being the primary responsible parent and household manager. And yet that is the reality in 30 Percent of American households.
Ms. Schulte’s describes the silent rage she was
experiencing while she and her husband had inequitable duties. And I believe that this "silent
rage" is the baseline for many women who are resisting the urge to "nag" and sucking it up and doing things that they don't want to do. Because here's the truth, most households have a certain amount of required tasks that must be completed daily in order for them to function.
Here's a fact for heterosexual couples with children. Until equity is achieved in household tasks--and by equity I mean, equal distribution of daily tasks--there will either be nagging or silent rage. And for men, I have this advice, choose equity or choose problems.
If you are struggling with silent rage or mental health issues, reach out to a physician.
Related Articles
"How do we reach the men? I think they have to hurt": Author Matthew Fray on divorce and relationships
How to Make Your Marriage Gayer (Couples where the wife does the bulk of routine chores, such as dishwashing, report the highest levels of discord.)
When You’re Resentful About Being a Working Mom
Working
Mom Confession: Nagging Happens in Many Marriages Because of Inequity
The Invisible Workload Affects Moms’ Wellbeing—Here’s How To Address It (It’s time to dismantle the second shift and the housework gender gap.)
Science Says Married Couples Who Do This Have Better Sex Lives
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